So its roughly been a week since I've been in Canada
It feels great living in a different place, but I just cant help but loathe being here
Not because of the place or people or anything
Just because of me
I just feel so useless now, i sit around do nothing at home which may sound fun when im busy but its absolutely killing me. Killing me, that i haven't gone out with any other people except my own. Killing me that i haven't had any new experiences. And it just hurts when i see people trying something new while i live in the confines of my comfort zone and stability.
These 4 years are literally my last 4 years of being me. I realize that by the time we all leave our education years, we've been filled up with so much shit, that we just completely lose ourselves in the world. With work, with family, with so many other things. Im proud to say im different than everybody else and the fact that i'm sitting here, doing absolutely nothing, kills me !
I intend to live life with no regrets. Do EVERYTHING in my power and let God do everything else for me. I rather live in a fast and stressful environment rather than a relaxed one primarily because i know i will always adapt and make it through. I may not be the brightest tool in the shed but I damn well have the longest battery life amongst them all.
I get restless thinking about the future. About everything, about the things i did and the things i didn't. Im worried, not of what i'll be but what i wont be. I missed so many things in my childhood. I missed being the class monitor. I missed being a student body president. I missed having a relationship with anyone. I missed having my own surprise birthday party (i just suck, mind you) I just missed so many things, i feel like an empty barrel filled with nothing but the air of my tongue. It just is not working
I want something new. I want something different. I choose to make mistakes now rather than repeat them later in my life when the stakes are higher and the rewards are smaller. I just want to feel alive ! Live with something ! because it just feels empty. really really empty now
Oh despair, let me find you so i can literally kick you in the nuts and let passion and I take over from now !
The last day of many other days of the next 4 years of my life
I may not like each and every day of them, but what i do know is, I will take these 4 years to fulfill my destiny. Not to live with fear, but live with a passion and vigor that people who have nothing else to lose have.
Because i know I have EVERYTHING to gain, and NOTHING to lose.
