Post Mortem: University Life (Fall Y1): Part 1

So lets see,
Arrived in late August
Started in mid September
Finished in mid December

The End.

If only life was that simple. Honestly, time-wise it felt that way. But trust me, so many things went on besides that.

So in this post mortem, i'll break it down into a few sections namely, social, academic and individual experiences.

Social Experiences

Expectations
The exciting feeling you get when starting uni is like getting a yes on your first date. Pulsating at first but heart wrenching along the way. Your away from the constraints of family and strict rules.
Where the sign 'anything goes' like on those garage sale ads really does mean ANYTHING GOES. You have a lot of personal freedom here, its refreshing really. I could not go to class, don't do my assignments. go smoke weed. anything really. there are no direct consequences from your actions. Its more of long term effects. So in terms of my social experiences, i expected firstly a lot of interesting people and lots of interesting social situations. In a country where modesty and shyness dominate the social atmosphere, here its more of a " I can do whatever I want and if you don't like it, I don't really care" atmosphere. The environment is definitely a lot different than home. I was considered average or just slightly short at home, here, compared to the average 18 year old Tim Horton's drinking, ice skating Canadian, I feel like one of those lawn gnomes standing awkwardly at your mom's garden. It might be a challenge to penetrate the circle, but I have 4 years to try so meh.

Reality
Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly if you've watched a lot of HIMYM, Canadians are nice people.
And no, I doubt anyone would be that nice if you punched them in the gut a few times Barney. But as a whole Canadians are a nice lot of people. But i do admit, overcoming the cultural barriers proved to be a bit of a problem. Don't you just hate it when you do something perfectly acceptable in your culture and then there's that awkward stare down moment. Like "What are you doing ?, You don't wanna chill with us" type of look. It wasn't about beer or anything, I just didn't want to interrupt the girl talk they were having. (Girls act different with testosterone around them.FACT). But I guess you could say that's when I learned that people here are more open and accommodating compared to back home. And one thing, in North America the hierarchy of starting a conversation goes something like
1.Celebrity
2.Pretty Girl/ Handsome Guy
3.Interesting Girl/ Interesting Guy
4.Asians
This is not taking into account all 4 can be 1 person, and without taking into considerations of height and ability to play guitar (Guitar= Instant Sex Appeal)
As westerners say of Asians that we 'supposedly' study like no tomorrow, we have to take the initiative and bring the conversation to them. And one thing that i know that Asians have to stop talking about is this:
" I did badly on the last test ! "
" How was your last exam, I bombed mine "
And the instant annoyance they get when you do thrice as good as them. I get annoyed too as an Asian sometimes ! haha
Bad conversation starter. PERIOD !
Another thing I learned here i guess, as different as we all are. We are all the same.All of us need affection and acceptance. We all have our own battles to face. We all are looking for something in our lives, whether it be a friend to play Call of Duty with, a person to study with, a girl to express ourselves too. Its a long road, but its paved with great adventures along the way.

Observations
Canada is like a box of fruit loops, there is just so much diversity around here. I can honestly say that I've talked to pretty much everyone from the different continents. ( Okay, maybe not Eskimos but you get the gist right ! ) And its amazing how different people have a different way of doing things. I swear when i talk to a girl from South America, samba music suddenly turns on and somewhere in the room, a dance floor opens. Maybe I should start taking samba classes ! XD
But in all seriousness, being in Canada has made me appreciate the large variety of cultures we all have.

Finding equilibrium

So its roughly been a week since I've been in Canada

It feels great living in a different place, but I just cant help but loathe being here
Not because of the place or people or anything
Just because of me

I just feel so useless now, i sit around do nothing at home which may sound fun when im busy but its absolutely killing me. Killing me, that i haven't gone out with any other people except my own. Killing me that i haven't had any new experiences. And it just hurts when i see people trying something new while i live in the confines of my comfort zone and stability.

These 4 years are literally my last 4 years of being me. I realize that by the time we all leave our education years, we've been filled up with so much shit, that we just completely lose ourselves in the world. With work, with family, with so many other things. Im proud to say im different than everybody else and the fact that i'm sitting here, doing absolutely nothing, kills me !

I intend to live life with no regrets. Do EVERYTHING in my power and let God do everything else for me. I rather live in a fast and stressful environment rather than a relaxed one primarily because i know i will always adapt and make it through. I may not be the brightest tool in the shed but I damn well have the longest battery life amongst them all.

I get restless thinking about the future. About everything, about the things i did and the things i didn't. Im worried, not of what i'll be but what i wont be. I missed so many things in my childhood. I missed being the class monitor. I missed being a student body president. I missed having a relationship with anyone. I missed having my own surprise birthday party (i just suck, mind you) I just missed so many things, i feel like an empty barrel filled with nothing but the air of my tongue. It just is not working

I want something new. I want something different. I choose to make mistakes now rather than repeat them later in my life when the stakes are higher and the rewards are smaller. I just want to feel alive ! Live with something ! because it just feels empty. really really empty now

Oh despair, let me find you so i can literally kick you in the nuts and let passion and I take over from now !

The last day of many other days of the next 4 years of my life
I may not like each and every day of them, but what i do know is, I will take these 4 years to fulfill my destiny. Not to live with fear, but live with a passion and vigor that people who have nothing else to lose have.
Because i know I have EVERYTHING to gain, and NOTHING to lose.

T-minus 13 ?

Salam and a very lovely day I bid to all.

Its been quite some time since I posted anything on my blog. I've been reading up what my friends were thinking about and I have to say, I feel quite refreshed now.

Sometimes, routine (doing different things everyday is a routine too ) can be about as interesting as watching paint dry.

I've been trying to really make the best of the whatever time I have left here in Malaysia.
Been reading up and observing lots of things lately.

Malaysia is a really relaxed country. The land is wide and vast. You can do whatever you want here. Take a stroll, Ride a bike, Climb a hill. Its just so geographically diverse. Coming back from Singapore, I've come with a better or at least balanced view of my own country.

I went to Singapore for the weekend last week. It was great to have an extra man in the family (primarily because he likes to travel and pay for food, haha). Initially, I thought i knew Singapore like the back of my hand, but when i went out and literally got lost in the concrete jungle, I was awed and mystified as to why i've never seen these places in SG before.

The highlight of the trip was the light show at Marina Bay Sands. It was the perfect end for a perfect day for sight-seeing. Seeing how the fine spray of water projecting itself high into the air. The almost holographic like pictures and videos of life in Singapore plus the magnificent view of Marina Bay. I was left with one thing in mind

Will I ever be able to enjoy these things again ?

Please share your toys

As a young boy, i admit i might have been slightly greedy with my things. Like the typical last child
" He always gets what he wants and no has never existed inside his vocabulary"
I remember those days when i used to literally make all my toys 'magically disappear' when my cousins or nephews came to visit.

" Play Station ? mana i ada (when i actually did and it was actually under the table), i datang rumah you je baru main "

"oh okay, nanti kita main dekat rumah aku"

"okay ! "

*does the cheekiest fat kid smile you could think of. imagine how a fat boy would feel when he's falling into an ocean of vanilla ice cream. THAT CHEEKY !

So yeah, i wasn't really good with sharing things.

But you know, 10+ years on, i realized now what it really means to share your toys

Lets take the example of toy story 3


(spoilers, if you haven't watched it. Go Watch it Now !! )

So in the final scene, through all the troubles the toys go through to stay in touch with Andy. Eventually, Andy painfully but willingly donates his toys to this young girl.

Now take a step back and think for a minute
Would I in my life donate my favorite toys to some girl who i honestly don't know and honestly have no idea how she would take care of my toys. She could as well be the meanest girl in the neighborhood and bite of the heads of all my beloved toys ?

But then again,
we have to consider Andy's age. Andy in the 3rd movie is already an adult. He is already going to college. He has already matured as a man and has developed concrete thinking and decision making skills. Would he still require Woody, Buzz and Jessie ?

Would it be fair if Andy had kept the toys and took away the rights of that girl to learn from these toys ?

These toys had served Andy well by giving him happiness,hope and dreams. Since Andy already has all these things with him, why must he keep the toys when other children might need it more than him so that they too would also develop their hope, happiness and dreams.

Friends are like toys. We play, laugh and learn with them. They are our closest companions, the ice to our cream and the chocolate to our chip. They make our hearts shine and our minds open. They gives us hope when Barney has gone home or when Cookie Monster has gone back into his trash bin.However, we must always remember to share the gifts we have. We must give other children the same opportunities we had so that they too will become happy,hopeful and full of dreams.

It is by sharing, that we truly can learn more about ourselves and of others too.

So that is why i believe that:

We must share our toys for the benefit of others and ourselves

Even when it hurts

Realization(s)

Its been a very heavy 5 days. Am literally physically and mentally tired.
So many things on, so many things said
its a bit too much honestly

But, i did seriously learn a lot of things about myself

A LOT

What do we really need in life ?
What is a necessity and what is a luxury ?
What truly is necessary and what is truly just a guilty pleasure ?
What is a real purpose and what is an agenda ?

I found those answers in these 5 days
and im
very very thankful :)

not just for the camp
but for everything
the people
the experiences
the lessons

I find it amazing how people can find happiness in such sorrow

It makes you wonder,
if we already have everything, then why are we so unhappy ?

Literature with those "Aha !" moments intact

"Literature is Boring "

Everyone keeps saying that, and that's probably because;

People see literature normally as a tool to improve language.
"It increases your vocabulary "
What good would anyone in today's planet get by learning the word 'rood', 'hyperion curls' and 'argal' ?
Seriously, if i was born in Shakespeare's time, maybe i could use it to pick up girls but in today's world, the only thing anyone would 'pick up' while reading this is a Panadol and a glass of water because, Shakespeare literally will boggle your mind.

Even with that said, I believe Shakespeare's contribution in the work of English and theater are unparalleled. Who would have thought that the story of 2 'star-crossed lovers,destined to be together but due to 2 old guys who really hate losing, they are meant to be apart ' would make for good storytelling. I feel for the news we are forced to read everyday, its always either;
a)murder
b)conspiracy
c)sex
d) MURDER, SEX AND CONSPIRACY

Who comes up with these headlines ?
Its like these newspaper companies think were all a bunch of hedonists, smoking weed and banging cars and any other object in sight

Getting back to the topic of literature, I find it hard to understand why a book which opens with " I am a sick man... I am a spiteful man. I'm an unpleasant man. I think my liver is diseased " could even be remotely considered as something literary. This is something which you might find in a 15 year old goth chick or goth boy's blog, but honestly,
"I think my liver is diseased " ?
Sir, I believe your opening words can cure stupidity and at the same time cause mental retardation.

If your anything like me, stories are a nice place to get lost. I've been lost in a few exotic places, namely New York, Dublin, Alaska, a communist farmhouse, somewhere in the ocean, purgatory even. You meet so many people, I had a brief chit-chat about ducks with a New York Cab Driver (eventually he got tired and left me on the sidewalk, Jerk !) . Talked to a prostitute (and no, nothing happened !). Met a pimp with an inclination to grab you in the wrong places ( he had issues with me i guess, that's why he did that). Saw a party of pigs hanging out playing poker, eventually regressing into a fight of oinks and beer bottles. Talked to a lion which came from India who for some reason could speak really good French and likes a good Meerkat

So you see, Literature ain't boring. I mean it ain't as boring as, I don't know Quantum Mechanics XD

You just have to let your imagination run wild and perhaps wear protection if necessary :)

Reflection

Its been a week without Facebook. I must say it has been such a treat to be able to leave the digital world for the real one.Honestly, i didnt manage to complete everything on the list but in the end of the day, the effort and intention were more important than some 'list'. It was in these 5 days that i've really learned a lot about myself and others as well. All my past stories, all my past memories were clear and intact, giving me the clarity i needed to share my stories with those lucky few that were lucky enough to see me this week. Being given the opportunity to tell those stories and experiences had relieved me of my emotional baggage into the black hole off peace and traquility. I feel refreshed and much better than before. I suppose I grew up in these few days. Heck, im actually starting to gain weight ! For some reason, my 7 or 8 year old appetite popped up again and now im happily enjoying wolfing down a few plates nasi goreng kampung and ayam tandoori.

I've learned in this past week that, maybe, JUST maybe, i can relearn to trust and love people again.For the past few years, i really lost hope in humanity. I thought no one was going to go out with me, till eventually someone did. And that moment alone, that feeling of being proven wrong really made me think twice about people. I have to say, the last outing must have been personally one of the best outings and one of the most memorable ones i've had. We managed to establish that level of connection which some books describe as ' total isolation from the world '. My tongue was as dry as a desert, I haven't talked that long nor that much to anyone in such a long time.

I believe it was Randy Pausch that once said, " Theres a good side in everyone, you just have to keep looking ". I really couldnt relate to him, till the most amazing thing happened. A very informative text message was in my inbox and the best part was, it was so out of the blue, it was such a surprise to me that someone was looking out for me. Someone was nice enough to send me a text message about really important stuff. I felt that human connection once again, that human feeling. that i got your back feeling. U of T will be the most challenging 4 years of my life but judging from these signs, its good to know that i'll have a few eyes to look out, a few ears to listen out, a few shoulders to lean on and a few hands to hold for those 4 years.

Im ready to smile
Im ready to move forward
Im ready to live again :)